Out of Order

Performed at Glasgow’s International Comedy Festival and Barcelona’s Microdegustación Teatral

A WOMAN and a MAN sit in a room, facing each other. The WOMAN is calm and composed, making notes. The MAN is agitated and fidgets in his chair. The WOMAN calmly stares at the MAN. He avoids eye contact. There is an awkward silence.

WOMAN: We can start whenever you’re ready.

MAN: I thought we had started?

WOMAN: You haven’t said anything yet.

MAN: Well, neither have you.

Another uncomfortable pause.

WOMAN: You were sent to see because of what you did. Last Thursday. In Tesco Metro.

MAN: Can you please not bring that up?

WOMAN: We have to talk about it.

MAN: Let’s not and say we did?

WOMAN: The judge will want to see my notes.

MAN: [sighs]

WOMAN: It doesn’t need to be hard. Let’s start at the beginning. Close your eyes. Lie back. Or stand up if you like. Walk about.

The MAN pauses and composes himself.

MAN: Two weeks ago. I finished work. I work in an office. Well, I used to. An administrator. Which is just a fancy way of saying that I stare at spreadsheets and emails all day without ever really understanding what they mean. Any idiot could do it.

WOMAN: [prompting] You finished work…

MAN: On my way home I went to the Tesco Metro. I used to go in every night. Get my dinner, groceries, whatever.

WOMAN: [prompting]And two weeks ago…

As the MAN talks, he stands up. Acts out his words. It should appear as though he is now in the Tesco Metro, narrating his actions. The WOMAN remains motionless in her chair. The MAN becomes unaware of her.

MAN: I remember there was a buy one get one free on lasagna. For the microwave. I got two of them because I can’t cook. I got a bottle of wine. It was a horrible night. Rain, wind. Blowing a gale. The floor was wet at the door from people shaking their umbrellas. I was soaked.

WOMAN: [prompting] You were going to the till…

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