Body Issues

Sam was so uncomfortable.

Bleach and lemon-cleaner suffocated Sam’s nostrils and tickled the back of her throat. She exhaled chemicals and adjusted her bum in the metal chair’s outdated, worn padding. Sam sat across from a tall, shiny white desk that wrapped along the reception area to the hallway of examination rooms. The two nurses behind the desk both mumbled into headsets while clicking keyboards to navigate screens blocking their faces. The waiting room was entirely white except for distinct age spots. The vintage, dropped ceiling tiles were speckled with beige circles of water damage. The carpet had been replaced, but the decades-old vomit-green carpet poked out at corners. The chairs had obviously been missed in the renovations. It was a very awkward combination of the new failing to hide the old.

Sam shifted in the chair again to discreetly scratch her crotch through her shorts. This was mortifying. Her vagina and skin itched as though it was covered in mosquito bites. As though Sam had gone camping in the Ontario woods and accidentally forgotten her vagina outside of the tent overnight. Sam had never felt this before but knew a lot of things could make your vagina itch. Like herpes. The halogen lights which travelled the ceiling seemed brighter than white. They stung Sam’s eyes as the receptionist waved her to the cold, reflective desk. The nurse didn’t look up from the screen but quietly said, “Sorry, I’m stuck on the phone. You have an appointment?”

“My doctor, Dr. Tran, is away. Someone said I could see another doctor.” Sam wasn’t sure if she also needed to whisper. The nurse clicked her keyboard with her eyes still on the screen.

“Samantha?” Sam nodded to confirm, and the nurse continued. “What’s the reason for your visit?” Sam suddenly became very aware of the other people in the waiting area behind her. There was a businessman in a classic suit and hat combination to her right, beside the hallway. Where Sam had been was now a mother lifting her toddler into the worn chair while promising juice and an iPad to pass the waiting time. The other nurse smiled and waved without missing a word in her headset to someone getting out of the stainless-steel elevators on her left. Sam stretched her legs and stood on her toes to lean over the desk towards the nurse. It said “Jessica” on the nurse’s nametag.

“I am having an issue”, Sam’s voice dropped in volume and pitch. She was unsure how to continue. “With my vag-ina” Sam enunciated. She was normally very comfortable discussing private topics. As Sam’s parents had avoided any mention of sex, she’d been forced to learn about those things from friends and books. After a lot of misinformation, Sam felt unnaturally comfortable. But this was different — this was embarrassing. The nurse’s eyes finally moved from the screen to Sam’s face.

“What kind of issue?”

“Itching.” Sam was embarrassed to answer but still didn’t whisper. Whispering would feel like admitting the nervousness she felt. Sam didn’t see the look of disgust or judgement she expected. Instead, Nurse Jessica looked back at the screen with the same numb expression and asked Sam to take a seat. Sam sat in the empty corner chair as the toddler waddled. The mother whisper-shouted “Zachary!”, but then immediately looked back at her cellphone. Zachary wore blue overalls with white sailboats and a matching hat. His face was pink, and his head was nearly bald except for a few bits of thin, blonde hair. He held out the iPad that played the tune of “Ring Around the Rosey” while cartoon puppies jumped through shapes. As he got closer, Sam noticed Zachary smelled like farts. Diarrhea and farts, she realized. She wanted to freely scratch her vagina and not have to deal with a farty baby watching her. Zachary wanted to jump through shapes with puppies and probably eat worms. But here they both were. To be polite, Sam smiled at Zachary. His eyes grew wide. He froze and glared at her with alarm. Sam wondered if Zachary knew why she was there and figured this was a bad omen for her appointment. Nurse Jessica called Sam’s full name.

Sam and Jessica walked down the hallway of photocopied oak doors. Jessica’s long, wavy brown was hair tied into a low ponytail over the back of her magenta scrubs. Sam mentally noted to never go to nursing school because then she’d have to wear scrubs and wake up too early to do her hair. Nurse Jessica stopped outside an open door and pointed Sam to a chair beside the desk. Jessica followed with a clipboard and began, “So you’re having itching?” Sam nodded and shifted in her chair again, incredibly uncomfortable with the situation and her crotch. “Has this happened before?” Sam shook her head. “Any discharge?” Sam nodded again. “How long has this been bothering you?”

“A few days,” Sam’s voice scratched into the silent but cramped examination room.

“Any pain when you urinate? Or scabs?” Sam shook her head and could feel her cheeks warming. Jessica smiled kindly. Sam was surprised that Jessica’s face could show expression, and immediately felt more comfortable. Nurse Jessica made some scribbles on the clipboard.

“So does that mean it isn’t an STI?” Sam didn’t plan to ask that already, but she was loosening up with Nurse Jessica.

“It doesn’t mean that. Have you had unprotected sex?”

“No. I’ve never had sex.” Jessica smiled again and wrote more on the clipboard. Sam didn’t want to lose this comfortable feeling they’d gained. Sam wanted Jessica to tell her she was just sitting weird or wearing the wrong underwear and that she was fine. Sam’s brain spun wildly hunting for a way to break the silence and connect again. “It’s been a sixteen-year dry spell.” Jessica looked up and smiled. It was more of a polite, than an entertained, smile. Jess obviously didn’t appreciate the joke. Sam mentally told herself to shut-up as the nervousness returned to her belly.

Nurse Jessica said the doctor would be in soon and left with the door open. Sam could feel itching against her shorts. She imagined her vagina was an anthill and thousands of ants were carrying bits of sugar and crumbs in her vagina for the queen. But then I could be the queen, Sam thought, and they could bring me stuff. She imagined ants getting her the remote control, and feeding her sprinkles, and jumping all over men outside of dive bars who tried to reach up her skirt as she walked by. I wouldn’t mind men grabbing my ass if they took their hand back covered in ants pouring from my vagina. The door opened.

A short, professionally-dressed man walked into the room. He wore a black kippah clipped to his tight, curly hair. The man sat in the office chair behind the desk and reached out his hand to introduce himself as Dr. Klein before reviewing the clipboard from Nurse Jessica. His brown eyes focused on Sam and felt very kind. Dr. Klein repeated all of the nurse’s questions and Sam answered the same way. His voice was soft and slow as he chose his words carefully. Dr. Klein cared. Sam’s nerves faded and she realized everything would be fine. When Dr. Klein asked if Sam had been sexually active, she replied: “no, I’ve been in a bit of a rut for the past sixteen years.” He smiled. It wasn’t a big smile, it was more of a kind smile, but Sam had won him over. Sam felt even more comfortable answering his questions. No, she hadn’t engaged in any sexual activity. No, she didn’t have any other symptoms. Yes, she’d gotten her period just last week. No, she’d never gotten a pap smear.

“That’s where I’d like to begin. We will do a pap smear and see what’s going on.” Dr. Klein walked over to the medical bed covered in a long piece of tissue paper. He pulled open a grey, metal drawer under the tissued cushion to hand Sam a piece of fabric. “I need you to undress. I will be back in a few minutes when you’re ready.” And he slipped out of the door.

Sam had never had a pap smear. She stood in the room holding the cloth unsure what to do next. Did it go on her head like a kippah? Did she take all her clothes off? Did she lay the cloth under her butt? Could you get an STI from a toilet seat? If so, could you get pregnant from a toilet seat? There was a knock at the door and Nurse Jessica poked her head in. “Dr. Klein asked me to check in before he comes back.” To Sam’s relief, the nurse had become much cheerier than before. Jessica walked in and pulled a curtain that divided the chairs and desk from the medical bed.

“I’m sorry, I’ve never had a pap smear before. Do I take everything off, or just my shorts?”

“Just anything covering your bottom,” Nurse Jessica answered before leaving and closing the door.

Sam unzipped her denim shorts and slid them to her ankles. She looked around for somewhere to hide them, but then realized she shouldn’t be embarrassed in front of a doctor. She hung them on a hook behind the door and stuffed her underwear into her purse. Sam looked at the cloth, still unsure of its purpose. She laid the cloth onto the tissue-papered bed and stood in front of the curtain naked from the hips down. With barefeet cold and clammy on the tile floor, Sam was liberated. Her vagina was especially emancipated since the cool air helped with its itching. She wondered if the protocol was to lie on the bed to wait, but that ultimately seemed a more awkward way to greet Dr. Klein. So Sam stood freely in front of the curtain and waited until there was a knock on the door.

“All ready, Samantha?” Dr. Klein asked.

“Uh-huh.”

Dr. Klein walked to the desk while studying the clipboard in his hands. When he sat down and looked up, his eyes widened and glared at Sam’s crotch. Suddenly and quickly, Dr. Klein hunched over and away from Sam while he stretched his arm out so his hand could block the view of Sam’s body. He repeated “oh”, “okay”, and “um” as Sam realized he was panicking. She was confused — after all, he asked her to get undressed. He practically threw the cloth at her and left without any instruction, and she did what he’d asked! “Where is the cloth?” Dr. Klein finally said.

“On the tissue,” Sam answered, still very confused. Thank god I don’t have body issues, Sam thought as Dr. Klein shielded her from his view. He peeked above his hand to look at her face. He had become very flush.

“Okay I will get the nurse and she can help you.” Dr. Klein stammered. Sam began to panic and wonder what was wrong. Was her vagina wrong? She’d never seen another vagina in person. Maybe it’s inside out or it’s supposed to be smaller. She felt the need to recover from this situation and go back to Dr. Klein’s kind eyes and soft, calming voice.

When he slipped out the door again, Sam’s brain tornadoed with jokes she should have said to recover the situation and go back to Dr. Klein’s kind eyes and soft, calming voice. ‘Did your wife just arrive’ would have been hilarious, fuck! Sam thought as she mentally punched herself in the throat. Goosebumps began to cover her body. Nerves bounced around her stomach. Sam’s head snapped to look at the door as Nurse Jessica poked her head in the room.

“Do you mind lying down?” Now, it was Nurse Jessica who had the kind eyes and soft voice. Sam nodded and lay on the tissue paper. It stuck to the sweat behind her knees. The lights in the ceiling buzzed. “Where is the cloth?” the nurse asked softly. Sam raised her hips to reach under her bum for the cloth. “That goes across your hips.” Sam draped the cloth to cover her groin. “That way, the doctor has a more medical view.”

Sam’s dry throat fumbled out her words. “I’m so sorry, I’ve never done this before. I didn’t know I was supposed to lay down, and what this was for. I’m so sorry –” Sam wanted to say more but her lips felt loose and drooping off her skull. Jessica stood beside Sam’s head and smiled down to her.

“It would be confusing if you’d never had a pap,” Nurse Jessica reassured. Sam felt comfortable again. “I will stay for the exam” Jessica said, as if she sensed Sam’s newfound attachment to the nurse.

Dr. Klein knocked and came back in the exam room. “All good?” he asked, looking only to Jessica who replied that they had figured it out. As instructed, Sam placed her heels in the stirrups. She slid down the table so far that she mentally prayed her bottom wouldn’t fall off the end and into Dr. Klein’s lap. Please, God, I cannot handle more embarrassment right now. It all felt very medieval as the cold stirrups held Sam in place, but Jessica chatted with her for the entire procedure.

After the appointment, Dr. Klein wished Sam a good afternoon and left without looking at her again. Sam laughed quietly to Nurse Jessica and thanked her. Jessica handed Sam the prescription for yeast infection cream and promised that they were actually very common. Ew, Sam thought.

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