Why my journal is not secret

After 43+ years of hiding my depression, I am facing it.

In addition to acknowledging that I have depression, I am working through some of my issues by writing. Now I could have done this in secret, after all, these are my feelings and emotions laid bare. But the thought of keeping my recovery hidden, after concealing my depression for so long, seemed a bad idea.

In one of the support groups I attend, someone mentioned that they journaled, too.

She felt that doing so helped her not only work out issues but see her own progress. Recovery is not a straight line and my personal recovery is a true testament to that fact. There are ups and downs, setbacks and plowing ahead. All of this is leading me to a more balanced life with depression.

But going public, sharing my innermost private thoughts and feelings with the world?

Yes, I have nothing left to hide. Concealment and the secrecy that goes along with it was how I rolled. If I could get past my depressive episodes without having to acknowledge them, I did it. No questions asked, no critiques. I would sweep whatever was left after each bout of depression under the rug and hope and wish that never happened again.

What a shock when the depression came back even stronger the next time.

So, keeping a secret journal was not an option for me. Others have found their private thoughts are better expressed when they are alone with them. But I have had way too much secrecy and concealing to not be open and candid about my recovery. After all, I have depression, depression does not have me.

Forcing myself to be 100% honest has been hard.

I started to lie and write that being honest was easy most of the time. That is just not how, for me, it works. I must make a conscious effort to be truthful when it comes to my feelings. I have been a wonderful reporter of the facts, and a terrible sharer of my feelings and emotions.

This leads me to my motive for going public with my depression.

Now the truth is, I am a long way from being 100% transparent. I still blog under the pen name, “Depression is not my Boss.” And I have not updated my LinkedIn profile to reflect my passing some of the SMART Recovery facilitator programs. I am a member of On Our Own, a non-profit organization that holds support groups and all kinds of sessions to help those in recovery in any form.

I’ve been able to use the word suicide in a complete sentence.

Writing about being in the hospital last year, I had chosen professional help from three options. First was committing suicide, but I am way too competitive. You see, I want to live to be 100. The second choice was to continue to do what I had done for 43+ years and expect a different result. Now if I was going to talk about crazy, that would be the definition. So, I showered and shaved, put on clean clothes and went to the emergency room.

Nine months and 230 blog posts later, I am still in recovery.

It has been anything but a straight line. And having my own written record helps me to see that I am making progress. True, it is not a straight, clean path. It’s loop-dee-loops and hairpin curves. My recovery has been in question at times, sometimes for no reason and other times for very valid events.

Yet, I am still here.

My attitude is one of letting go of what I cannot control and focusing on my attitude towards events. I cannot make other people drive better, which has led to my road rage in the past, and I cannot make the past better. Believe me, I have time traveled with abandon, trying to fix the past and invent the future before it happens.

My blog, my non-secretive journaling, has been one of the best things I personally am doing towards understanding myself better and being able to put the tools I now have into practice. I am learning about living with major depressive disorder.

As you may have guessed, depression is angry at me for going public.

Depression is sneaky and not being secretive, is vexing for it. So, I keep depression out in the open, where I can keep an eye on it. And while depression is still with me, it is no longer my boss. I say out loud every day, “I have depression, depression does not have me!”

I will keep sharing my most private thoughts about my life with depression. I am a sponge, so any ideas that have worked for you would be appreciated.

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